on being depressed - 1/2/2025 16:55
i haven't updated this site in a while. it's been since around september/october, i think. i'm coming back because i want a place where i personally can talk about how i feel, exactly where i want, exactly where someone might hear me sometime.
i'm talking in this font because i want to creep out kids for laughs, and also don't want people to instantly tell what i am saying. i'm also really pretentious.
it's obvious to me that i have some kind of severe mental illness. i haven't gone to school for about 2 years now - not a very long time maybe for some other shut-ins, but still. i can't motivate myself to do much of anything. i am isolated and my only friend is a man in his late 20s who (probably) only likes having sex with me. i talk to him about all sorts of things, but all i get in response is 'hrmm yes (repeats one point of what i just said, showing how he won't even bother to listen anymore.)'
i am a pathetic, hateful person who enjoys watching other people die because i believe they are better than me. i hate them because they are better than me - they think the same too in my eyes. i'm not saying this to be edgy as i'm genuinely ashamed of how horrible i am.
sometimes, when i read the news, i am happy little girls as young as 6 years old are dead, since my brain first screams at me that they are sexual competition and they will be 'loved' more than me.
i'm telling you this because i want to. i have lived with all of these thoughts trapped in my brain for a while now. i don't think they make me cool, tougher or better than anyone. i believe the opposite actually (why else would i want to die.)
there are things i still enjoy, like sunny days, and making music. i will upload music i make that i think sounds half-passable to this channel. but i don't think i can fully experience all of these things anymore, because i don't have the motivation to get up and go out when it's sunny. i feel like a disgusting cheap copy of a person when i go out. i also don't usually have the motivation to work on music much. i'm lucky if i can muster 4 hours now to spend on a song.
i don't do many interesting things in my free time. i listen to music and stay in bed for most hours of the day. i talk to my only friend, or usually nobody at all. i go out to a class once a week now.